


How Could you Love Me?

by AtraEris



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Fighting, M/M, Malec, Mental Anguish, alec lightwood - Freeform, magnus bane - Freeform, selfloathing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-02
Updated: 2018-02-02
Packaged: 2019-03-12 17:36:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13552293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AtraEris/pseuds/AtraEris
Summary: Set just after the incident where Magnus finds out Alec knew that Valentine still had the Soul Sword, a look into their inner thought processes. This is full of self doubt and self loathing and self esteem issues for each character!





	1. Magnus

How Could You Love Me? - Magnus

Sometimes, there are things that set you off. Things that shouldn’t be such a big deal, but your brain, your brain blows them out of proportion. For whatever reason, your mind grabs tightly onto these things and makes them so important that you can’t let them go. These things set you off. They make you incapable of rational thought. They twist other people’s words and actions into sick caricatures of what they really are.  
They cause a spiral. Each horrible thought and feeling rolling and colliding into another and gaining momentum and feeling as they go, until you can do nothing else but sit in your own self-loathing and pain and wonder why and how you got there. Until you start to blame yourself and your shortcomings and assume that everyone sees the worst in you. Sometimes there are times where you are your own worst enemy.

Magnus was having one of those times.  
Alec had known. He had known the Soul Sword was still with Valentine and he had kept it from him. NO! He had LIED to him about it. Omission was still lying. And then he had the gall to try and manipulate the situation into seeming like he was doing it for Magnus’s own good!?!

He really should have known better. Alec. He had trusted him wholeheartedly. Now, looking back he felt like a fool. Why? What had Alec done to convince him to open himself up so wide that he now felt like he was split in two? Nothing.

Mangus had dared to dream, dared to pretend that things were beautiful and happy. He should have known better. There was no happiness for a half demon. There was no love for the son of a Prince of Hell. He had known it for most of his life. He had given himself the name Bane out of anger and disgust for what he was. How could he have thought for one second someone could love him?

Alec was just like the rest of the Shadowhunters. Only interested in what Magnus could do for them, no matter the price to himself. Magnus, we need this. Mangus, you must do that. Take take take. They always wanted more from him until he was left empty and broken with nothing left to give.

He should have known that night at the bar when Alec confessed his lack of previous relationships. What had Magnus thought? That Alec would fall for him? That he would be Alec’s one and only? He scoffed at his own naivety. How had he lived so many years and still let himself think that was possible? Even if Alec had been genuine in his affections, he would eventually want to know what else was out there. Hell, he’d almost married a Shadowhunter once already because it was “his duty.” Who was Magnus kidding thinking this was going to last?

That that beautiful, strong, capable leader would want a cat-eyed freak by his side forever. That a Shadowhunter would choose a Downworlder for life rather than just as some fling or means to an end. And of all the Downworlders him specifically, that the beautiful strong Alexander Lightwood could truly care for a reprehensible half demon was a joke. No one could love him. Not even his own mother had. She had hung herself in shame, torment, and disgust at what he was.

God, he had been a fool. Magnus drained the last of the liquor in his glass and threw it hard at the balcony, shattering the tumbler against the stone.  
Bane. Magnus Bane. A bane to existence. A bane to Alec. He had let himself pretend that it could all be real. That he could for once have the fairy tale. That someone for once was looking at him with real eyes and pouring out only the truth from their lips. That when Alec had looked at him, he could see everything Magnus was and he loved it all.  
But, how could someone so amazing, love someone so ridiculously pathetic?


	2. Alec

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec's own lamenting self loathing and self esteem issues.

How Could You Love Me? - Alec

Sometimes, when we make mistakes, and it is so much easier to get angry and to blame than to admit we were wrong. Admitting your own failure is one of the hardest things to do. And sometimes we think that just because we thought it was the right thing at the time, our actions are justified. No one ever wants to believe that maybe they didn’t think the whole thing through or that someone else has a valid point. And we especially don’t want to believe that there was no right answer to a situation. When faced with the concept that your actions caused unintended hurt that isn’t going to be easily forgiven, some people get mad. And when they get mad they blame themselves, and when they blame themselves for everything they stop seeing their own worth. Sometimes there are times where you are your own worst enemy.

Alec was having one of those times.  
Magnus was blowing things out of proportion! Alec fumed as Magnus left the institute resolutely insistent on being angry.

He growled in frustration. What had he done wrong? He was trying his best to do the right thing! Damn, it. This was so typical. He always tried to map everything out and plan and understand and make the just and right decision and yet again he’d messed up. Mistakes were the only thing Alec seemed to be capable of.

Magnus had come in that night and with a sweep of his hand had made Alec’s mistake of being late go away. Dinner for 2 in his office. No complaints on the fact that Alec had forgotten. Magnus always made the best of Alec’s mistakes. He had thought for once someone had found his small mishaps endearing and adorable. That he had finally found his match. But not this time.

He was only looking out for what he thought was Magnus’s well being. Of course, he knew how seriously he took trust! That was why he hadn’t wanted to tell Magnus. Because he hadn’t wanted him to have to lie to anyone! Why? Why couldn’t Magnus understand that? How after all those years of wisdom could he not see that Alec’s choice had been out of love and respect?

He really should have known better. Mangus Bane?! He had called him out and made him feel special and looking back he had no idea why. What had Alec done to catch the eye of the gorgeous warlock? Absolutely nothing!

Alec had dared to dream that this man could have really seen something in him that no one else could. He should have known things could never work out. He had allowed himself the brief hope and belief that the world would give him this. This one ounce of bright happiness in the stark heavy duty laden life he lived. But he had recognized soon after the beginning that it was too much for him. Too great. Too Amazing to be for him.

Magnus Bane? Seriously? The high warlock of Brooklyn with his gorgeous cat eyes and sinuous fluid movements. That gorgeous physique always wrapped in some extravagant outfit and accented with colors that highlighted how vibrant he was. Magnus Bane with almost limitless power at his fingertips and a heart so deep all he knew how to do was give and he wanted Alec by his side? He should have always known it wouldn’t last.

Magnus had had so much better than him. He was just a means to pass the time. Hell, Alec wasn’t even experienced at all! The only thing he probably afforded Magnus in that department was amusement and entertainment that someone could be so naïve and clueless. What had he expected? To stay with Magnus forever? Magnus was immortal. He wouldn’t sit around and watch Alec wither away into an old man, although Shadowhunters didn’t often live into old age. Perhaps that was why Magnus had held an interest. Dying young would certainly make it easier to move on to the next conquest without much difficult detaching. 

Of course, that implied that they would even stay together until Alec had met his end. He scoffed out loud to himself. Seriously, a Shadowhunter? And such a mediocre plain one as himself thinking they were worthy of Magnus Bane? No one noticed him. He was silent and shadow, the extra in the background while Jace saved the day and ran to victory. He had known that he would never be able to have Jace, why had he thought he was good enough to have Magnus?

Alec kicked his desk angrily.

Shadowhunter. Once again, it meant following his duty and losing any shot at happiness he had. Shadowhunter. Dark and lonely. He always knew that was the life he was destined for. How had he allowed himself to hope, to dream that that beautiful blue fire would stay and light up his world and make a path for the two of them together? How could he have pretended that when Magnus looked into his eyes, he saw all the mistakes as quirks and intrigues and that he loved them all?

Honestly, how could someone so amazing love someone so ridiculously pathetic?


End file.
